Our Jacob: powernapper

So I’m in the office at home, working away, and after oh I dunno, ten minutes the repetitive sound finally manages to get my attention. ‘Hello, puppy calling do you want to play with me?’ Another Vtech chart topper in the endless hit parade of drives-you-demented ditties that they have.

There are two standard voices that come with Vtech toys, the English one and the American one. Both of them are unhinged. The English one comes with an absolutely impossible pertness from a cheerful school of elocution that has NEVER existed outside of the minds of directors of pertly cheerful British war movies from the forties. You wonder how many fluffy woodland creatures had to suffer to counterbalance this sheer evil naiceness.

The American one sounds like it’s been sleep deprived and force fed pure sugar for days and is GOING TO MAKE YOU CHEERFUL IF IT’S THE LAST THING I DO! Smile with me!!

But I’m going mildly off topic. I’d been at my desk, remember. And after ten minutes of the insanely happy ‘Hello, puppy calling do you want to play with me?’ I wondered why Jacob was being so quiet. This was what I saw outside the office door.

Move round to the side and you see where the insane jollity was coming from.

He slept that way for ages! Hard pillow, crap soundtrack, he didn’t care! And if you look close, you can see the marks on his face from pushing the big Vtech button.Β  We all got scarred by Vtech, although I think they’re mostly disappeared.

Course, the mental anguish you go through never really leaves you, does it? Fellow sufferers know the insane stare. They’d sympathise if they weren’t already driven to distraction. All it might take to push them over the edge is to whistle a tune from the First Steps Baby Walker.

That Vtech will mess you up. Kids, I know what I’m talking about. That Vtech will mess you up. I think I might be even repeating myself over and over. I know for sure Jacob’s mother does. Watch out, that Vtech will mess you up.

I’ve seen the unwitting mums, pushing it on their kids. It tears families up, maan. And woe betide you if you mix it with alcohol. It might seem funny at midnight, but at seven a.m. Satan’s sour refrain (You know it. It goes ‘Hello, puppy calling do you want to play with me?’ over and over and over again) will steal your very soul. (Now alternatively that could be a Christmas party hangover, I will say. The results aren’t all back from the lab.)

Have a Vtech Christmas everyone!!! 😦

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22 comments on “Our Jacob: powernapper

  1. Martin says:

    That is ridiculously cute.

    At what stage does falling asleep in odd places stop being so endearing and starts getting the guards called?

    • Nick McGivney says:

      It’s just one of those injustices that befall little boys out on their best mates’ stag parties. No idea what point the switch comes that makes it all ‘not very ok at all Nick actually’, just know that it did. But eventually the cops accepted my reasons for being semi naked and singing along with the Tom Jones in my head. As you know you have to belt it out of the park to keep up with the Tom. Haven’t been allowed within 500 metres of Claremorris since either. Happy yule, fellow fule!

  2. Emma says:

    brilliant post, made me smile .Happy Christmas nick

    • Nick McGivney says:

      Hey Emmaboots! Hope the family is well and the pressies are bought. Looks like we just might get a bit of sneachta too. Let us resolve to meet in early 2010, what say?

  3. NAN P. says:

    Ah, to powernap like this, “any time – any place”…! If only life was still so simple!

    I hope that Santa is generous to the Jacob household. And I don’t necessary mean expensive presies that are forgotten as quickly as they are bought, but generous in the true sense, e.g. toughtful and loving.

    Have a nice warm one!

  4. Ciara says:

    Well done Nick, truly LOL funny. We are also a victims to this particular Vtech nightmare, why do they love it so much?! The photos are unbelievably cute. Merry chrimbo to you and yours x

    • Nick McGivney says:

      πŸ™‚ After a while you kinda get numb from the ears in. He just plays with stuff more than his brothers ever did too, so we get even more enjoyment from Vtech. Do I mind? Nah. How could I? Hsppy Christmas to the whole gang of you guys too. I hope you’ve been goodish.
      xx

  5. Mel says:

    Very cute πŸ™‚ You can tell he is your youngest- precious firstborns never sleep through any racket!

    Have a very Merry Christmas. We’re having a summer barbecue- yay!

    • Nick McGivney says:

      ‘It is a universal truth unshakeable
      That the second child is nowhere near as breakable.’

      Dunno who said it but it’s true, and as for the third they’re practically made from chunky rubber. But what lovely chunky rubber! Enjoy the summer sun you lot, and have a wonderful Christmas!

      • Mel says:

        Thanks for the comment on my blog this am Nick. Made me laugh out loud πŸ™‚ Now the kids probably think I am even more bonkers than I really am!

  6. Jill says:

    Tis not necessarily true about first borns…..our Boy has a weird alien looking toy (yes, I think it’s VTech) it’s sort of a tripod plastic alien with ears you twist and it emits the most interesting array of odd noises & words. He goes to bed clutching it & falls asleep better than to any mother’s lullaby & he’s our only.

    Then again, I do adhere to my dear mother’s approach to parenting – she once told my big sis to “jump up” and rubbed the lump on her head better after my sis had knocked herself out roller skating down the drive straight into the garage door. Like mum said, “she knew the door was there, it was a daft thing to do”. πŸ™‚

    All the very best of the season to you and your family Nick. Hope Santa fills your stockings well!!

    • Nick McGivney says:

      We are too alike! Jacob has two weird big alien toys too. He hasn’t told us yet what his names for them are but we refer to them as ‘our other children.’ Merry Christmas to all of you! And a laughter-filled 2010!!

  7. Christine says:

    Comic brilliance!

    I wish I could say more but a cheery VTech song is permeating my mind as I type, or maybe it is Leap Frog.

    Happy Christmas Nick!

    • Nick McGivney says:

      Mama Vitale! Great to hear from you, and I hope you’re not all too snowed in. Ironically you’re right beside Hammie inthe comment list, burning her buns under the hot Ozzie sun. It’s just all unequal distribution round here. Sigh. Oh, except for the warm wishes that we send. We’re wishing the same amount (lots) to everyone, especially you all!

      Merry Christmas, Christine.

  8. hammie says:

    Two words: Bath time – the V-tech will wane and slowly become mute. xx

    • Nick McGivney says:

      Hey H! Slip slap slop, isn’t that it? You lucky pair! Enjoy the sandflies… 😦 (Nah, not really! πŸ™‚ )

  9. Jen says:

    I’d laugh but it would spoil my thousand yard stare as I sit and rock quietly, while in the background Vtech is forwarding calls from puppy, kitty and bear. So all I can say is I adore the photos they are brilliant and as Vtech would say. Love you bye!

  10. Petunia says:

    Gorgeous pics! You are right of course, VTech are an evil corporation, out to turn our brains to mush before they take over the World… We must fight back! I find the humble screwdriver quite an efficient weapon and sneakily strike them at the core by whipping out the batteries when no one is looking… Its amazing how many “broken” noisy toys live in this house hehe…

  11. Jo says:

    Lol.Why did my kids never do that? The sleep resistant little bastards…

    I love how every parent has one toy that makes them go ‘turn thatfuckingthingoff!’ like an antichrist.

  12. hammie says:

    V-Tech: The choice of childless aunts, uncles and anyone who doesn’t have to live in your house….xx

  13. Those are the cutest pictures. What a sweet sweet boy!

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