The scientific approach to integrating Down syndrome

‘Get off those stairs!’

‘Do NOT pull
your brother’s hair!’

‘Christopher’s all threw clothes Who floor over the?’

‘What do you think you’re doing
on the back of the sofa, young man?’

‘Get off
those stairs!’

‘Put down the saucepan lid, please! Daddy needs a shush day.’

‘When Andrew sees
what you did to that jigsaw
you are dead meat, mister.’

‘How did you
get in THERE?’




Oh dear. I think we’ve gone and integrated the littlest one.


Our Jacob: powernapper

So I’m in the office at home, working away, and after oh I dunno, ten minutes the repetitive sound finally manages to get my attention. ‘Hello, puppy calling do you want to play with me?’ Another Vtech chart topper in the endless hit parade of drives-you-demented ditties that they have.

There are two standard voices that come with Vtech toys, the English one and the American one. Both of them are unhinged. The English one comes with an absolutely impossible pertness from a cheerful school of elocution that has NEVER existed outside of the minds of directors of pertly cheerful British war movies from the forties. You wonder how many fluffy woodland creatures had to suffer to counterbalance this sheer evil naiceness.

The American one sounds like it’s been sleep deprived and force fed pure sugar for days and is GOING TO MAKE YOU CHEERFUL IF IT’S THE LAST THING I DO! Smile with me!!

But I’m going mildly off topic. I’d been at my desk, remember. And after ten minutes of the insanely happy ‘Hello, puppy calling do you want to play with me?’ I wondered why Jacob was being so quiet. This was what I saw outside the office door.

Move round to the side and you see where the insane jollity was coming from.

He slept that way for ages! Hard pillow, crap soundtrack, he didn’t care! And if you look close, you can see the marks on his face from pushing the big Vtech button.  We all got scarred by Vtech, although I think they’re mostly disappeared.

Course, the mental anguish you go through never really leaves you, does it? Fellow sufferers know the insane stare. They’d sympathise if they weren’t already driven to distraction. All it might take to push them over the edge is to whistle a tune from the First Steps Baby Walker.

That Vtech will mess you up. Kids, I know what I’m talking about. That Vtech will mess you up. I think I might be even repeating myself over and over. I know for sure Jacob’s mother does. Watch out, that Vtech will mess you up.

I’ve seen the unwitting mums, pushing it on their kids. It tears families up, maan. And woe betide you if you mix it with alcohol. It might seem funny at midnight, but at seven a.m. Satan’s sour refrain (You know it. It goes ‘Hello, puppy calling do you want to play with me?’ over and over and over again) will steal your very soul. (Now alternatively that could be a Christmas party hangover, I will say. The results aren’t all back from the lab.)

Have a Vtech Christmas everyone!!! 😦

A Dishwasher Service Engineer calls

‘I’ll tell you what kids, I wasn’t crazy about the rinse cycle
but the drying programme works like gangbusters.’

‘I’m going again. I’m going again!
Now where’d I leave the damn keys of this deathtrap?’

* Do not try this at home. Who needs mopping up two gallons of soapy water from the kitchen floor? That’s what neighbours’ kitchens are for.