Happy birthday to me. Hurrah etc.

So, a week ago I was a size zero. Then the goshest thing happened. I woke up and I was one! One what, you ask? Shaddap smartypants, I reply.

Anyway, here is a fabulous pictorial memory book of my greatest ever first birthday, last November 16th 2008. A day already legendary in my mind, let me tell you, and for no very good reasons. Read on, and prepare to have your innards churn…

junk-pressiesA whole year of me-ness. What could possibly be nicer for that bunch of yokels I live with, more life affirming and pleasant? That’s right dear readers, absolutely nothing. It is for you I write, because let’s us face it, they won’t get my pithy understatement. But they could have tried to get me some nice presents at least, no? Look at this tat. A boombox that lacks boom and could fit in my nappy undetected? A Thomas the Tank Engine camera THAT DOESN’T BLOODY WORK!? Where’s the iPod? The champers? The dancing girls? Bah!


Well I suppose I should be happy that they stuck a candle on a cake that whatsername ‘baked’ for me. Digestive biscuits smothered in chocolate. Nice. Nice potential at least. If you happen to have teeth. I tried to give a few of the gathering vultures the evil eye but feh, they all love you when you have a big fat cake. There were ten people involved in this travesty of a party. I’ve got prizes* for anyone who can guess which one of the ten didn’t get a lick of his own birthday cake. Go on, have a go. Can’t win if you’re not in.

(* Prizes include fabulous mini-boombox complete with blue and also exciting branded camera with blue and black. In plastic only.)

Now I’m not bitter. Far from it. I take people as I find them. And when I find them proposing a train trip to a north Dublin seaside town on the SIXTEENTH of an arse-freezing NOVEMBER, then I name them as idiots.  Yes, a train trip. Won’t it be jolly! No it bloody won’t! It’ll be freezing my wotsits is what it’ll be. Get me in the gas-guzzling seven seater NOW you fools! I am a BABY! I cannot SURVIVE in these conditions. I DEMAND

Did they lend an ear? Gah. There is much I could teach you about the human condition, if you cared to listen. Not only did they ignore me, the beautiful birthday boy of needs most minimal and non-disruptive to their frankly puzzling lives, they also thought it would be fun to give ice cream to the brothers. Not me, of course. It was only my birthday after all. (You’re beginning to see the pattern here, I trust. Thank God you’re there because if it wasn’t for you nobody would hear me. Nobody at all.) (Also, there’ll be an address for donations for the rehousing thing somewhere at the bottom.)they-got-ic-cream

alien-babyAnd from there it went rapidly downhill. More freezing of rear in the pitch dark ‘playground’, all in the name of ‘fun’. Oh don’t mind me, I’ll just make like Monkey No 3 in this triangle of idiot. At least the upside of it is that not a single one of them noticed the arrival of Alien Baby in her trans-galactic Alien Baby Buggy there on the left. Oh God the pleasure I will have when she topples their pathetic world! And then we shall rule togeth- ahem, where was I? Sorry, I drifted there for a minute…

Oh yes, there was the mild compensation of this too:


‘Hey Edge – er, I mean, you guy from the house I live at…’
My double chin’s only puppy fat, dawg! What’s your excuse? Nyah hahahhahhahah!

And don’t you lot dare pity him! He needs all the educational readjustment he can get! Jacob’s fadder* indeed. Want to see what he thought was the funniest thing all night? Go here. I’m not even going to do the dweeb the favour of posting it here. It isn’t funny or clever – and no sniggering there, you at the back. You know who you are!

* Thanks for that, Carl.

14 comments on “Happy birthday to me. Hurrah etc.

  1. jypsy says:

    Belated Birthday Greetings!
    We celebrated one in this house that very same say – a 19th. I hope your next 18 will be as interesting and fun-filled as his were.
    Have a great year ahead!

  2. Cathal's Mammy says:

    You were done Jacob, done, digestives come with caramel now too!!! Hopefully they’ll get the message for next year, that’s all I can say.

    Very happy belated birthday from the Cathal household 🙂

  3. Elbog says:

    Happy Oneday, Dude!
    I know it’s cold outside, but you need to lighten up on the old man. Guy spends most of his life trying to clean himself up, only to now find himself dealin’ with all those ‘presents’ you’re producing on a regular basis. Do you know how many accessories you require to keep you from squalling, minute to minute? Toss him a smile or a giggle every now and again, it’s really all he’s wanting from you, at the moment. It’s not like he’s making you replumb the kitchen sink or nothin’.
    No, I don’t get the cake and ice cream thing, you shoulda been swimming in it, but I’m sure they had some *reason*.
    Mom & Dad will get smarter, as you get older. What they don’t want you to know is that you’ll always hold the trump card. Your mission is to learn when to use it. You’re obviously a playah. I’d bet there’s a video iPod with pirated kid videos on it in your near future – ya gotta sell it to them as the ultimate, portable babysitter. Emma endorsed.
    I’m with Pop – nice hair. I’m fuddy-duddy like that.

  4. NAN P. says:

    I feel your pain, Jacob, I feel your pain.

    Parents can be SO disappointing. And SO tedious. But sometimes, it’s easier to go along with THEIR idea of fun, just for the sake of peace and quiet…

    Here is to the next year, kiddo, may it be a good one for you (… and your parents, I suppose we can’t really leave them out, can we?)

    BTW, you are such a cutie! 😉

  5. Well, Happy Birthday!

  6. Sharon says:

    Happy Birthday handsome one.

    Just remember, with parents getting stuff wrong, they may not mean to, even if they do.

  7. Happy Birthday, you’re a sweetie!!

    was wondering about that electric parade buggy…Jacob, word to the wise, beware of those high class wimin in those high class sporty cars…heartbreakers, all of ’em…

  8. Jo says:

    AWWWW! Happy birthday Jacob!

    And well done to Daddy and (Mummy? Mammy?) too for getting through this year, with everyone intact.

    Good work!

    Mammy has lovely hair, by the way!

  9. enc says:

    Oh BOY what a laugh this one was!

    Happy Belated Birthd’y, Jacob!

  10. Emma Mc Ivor says:

    your cute enough to eat

  11. Peajay says:

    Belated Birthday wishes to the very cute boy. Thanks for the read it lifted my day.

  12. hammie says:

    Happy Birthday J. Sorry but I think that photo is VERY funny! but what do I know I am only a boring adult.

  13. Sesame says:

    Sorry Jacob am still laughin at you with the hair…forgiveness needed – to make me feel better…and even more forgiveness for missing your birthday…get your demands in now for next years before the concoct an even worse fiasco…shur they havent a clue d ould pair…the edge indeed…pity he didnt av as big notions for the perfect no 1 birthday eh??

    anyways HAPPY BIRTHDAY big fella…promise to get in on time next year…xxxx

  14. Laurie says:

    Happy belated birthday to you, Jacob…here’s to an ipod next year… 🙂

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